13 Years Later: The Breakup That Built Me

This past month has been one of the best I can remember. Throughout my life, I’ve experienced some incredibly high highs and some crushing lows. It’s been about eight months since I last wrote, and as I’ve said before, if I don’t have something worth saying, I won’t write. But when I do have something to talk about, we end up here. This is the story of “13 years: the breakup that built me”.

As I take a moment to celebrate this recent high, I can’t help but reflect on the lows that came before it. It’s taken me 13 years to get to this point, but maybe now is the time to share the story. Not just for me, but for anyone out there who feels alone in their struggle. For anyone who thinks their low is permanent or isolating.

I Remember . . .

I remember a day, not so long ago, when I couldn’t even muster the strength to swing one foot out of bed. A time when my inbox sat empty because there was no business to conduct. My phone stayed silent, not because of peace, but because I’d lost touch with so many people that I had shut myself off from the world entirely. There was a time when I owned three homes, a boat, three cars, and was scraping by teaching piano lessons for $15 every half hour. I had debt, a lot of it. I quietly begged and borrowed from my family, just trying to find some kind of stable ground to stand on. It wasn’t my proudest season, but it’s time I finally talked about it.

The Beginning

Let’s start from the beginning. It was 2012, and my marriage was struggling. I was a big part of that, and I didn’t even realize it. I’ve always been quick to take responsibility, so I’ve never hesitated to place at least half the blame on myself.

But now, 13 years after “the breakup,” I can confidently say the other 50% belongs to my ex. It’s taken a long time to find the courage to acknowledge that. For some reason, it’s in my DNA to shoulder the burden when things go wrong, personally or professionally. I tend to look inward first, asking myself what I could have done differently. I mean, how else would I look at it?

I’m Type A. I live my life trying to stay in control. And when you operate like that, blaming anyone else for your pain doesn’t come naturally. You assume if it’s happening to you, it must be because of you.

I was given a list of things that my ex wanted to see changed, and I dove headfirst into that list. Some things were superficial, and some were major with underlying conditions, but I wanted to make it work, so I made the changes. I suppose this was the first indication of “the end”.

“There’s no way that changing myself overnight was a sustainable solution to a deeper problem.”

First Lesson

Evolution

This shouldn’t be confused with the idea that relationships don’t evolve. Of course they do. You adjust, you compromise, you grow. That’s part of being with someone. But I don’t think those adjustments should come in the form of a numbered list, delivered by email, while you’re sleeping on the couch.

To be fair, I was on the couch because I’d been out late the night before. But the rest of that statement holds. The changes I made during that time were surface-level at best. I wasn’t changing who I was; I was tweaking things to survive the moment. And if she was looking for something deeper, something real, then we were already on borrowed time. If one person is offering up shallow change while the other is demanding transformation, there’s no way it ends well.

The Breakup

There was nothing particularly dramatic about the actual breakup. No explosive fight, no final straw. She simply told me she didn’t love me anymore, and after that, there wasn’t much left to say.

As gutting as it was, even at my lowest point, I knew one thing for sure. I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love me. That realization was the first thread of self-worth I was able to hold on to. And even if I had nothing else figured out in that moment, I knew I deserved at least that.

Now, hang with me here. I know this blog so far has been a pretty big bummer, but I promise it gets better . . . much better! 🙂

Not Just Single, But A Single Parent

At this point, not only was I newly single for the first time in over a decade, but I was also a single dad to a 22-month-old girl. I’ve never been afraid of being single. I know a lot of people can’t stand it, but I’ve always enjoyed my own time and space. Being a single dad, though, was something else entirely. That part was terrifying.

Looking back, I often ask myself, “How did you do it?” The truth is, I did what most people do when they’re thrown into a difficult situation. I didn’t have a roadmap or a strategy. I just did it. I showed up. I figured it out as I went. And I kept going, even when I had no idea what I was doing.

“My mantra for so many things in life is simple: when faced with hardship or a tough situation, just do it. Take action. Move forward. Don’t overanalyze. Don’t stall. In the moment, you don’t need a plan. You need motion.

Later, once there’s some distance between you and the struggle, that’s when you look back and do a plus/delta. What worked? What didn’t? What would you change? But in the thick of it, hesitation won’t help. Action will.”

So I just did what I knew needed to be done . . . I became the best dad I knew how to be.

Broken, But Not Destroyed

I think at this point, I was broken, but I wasn’t destroyed. Writing this blog, I had to pause here for a moment. It’s been a long time since I revisited those first few months after the breakup. Devastated is probably the best way to describe how I felt.

I’ve never been great with loss, personal or professional. I don’t think most entrepreneurs are. We’re wired to fix things, to problem solve, to push through. But this wasn’t a business deal gone sideways. This was my marriage. My family. And the idea that I had lost my wife, and that it might have been my fault, was a brutal thing to carry.

As a father, I knew things had to change. My priorities, my routines, my entire sense of direction. I started therapy, and it became one of the most important tools I had during what would become the most difficult stretch of my life.

And the truth is, if I had known how much more pain was coming in the next three years, I don’t know if I could have handled it. This was only the beginning.

Destroyed

The culmination of the destruction of my life came in May of 2013. My divorce/breakup had just been finalized on Valentine’s Day 2013. Honestly, what kind of cruel system stamps divorce papers on Valentine’s Day?

What came next turned my world completely upside down. My ex and my best friend left the company we built, started their own, and in doing so, effectively destroyed my business.

Looking back, I should have seen the signs. They were there even before the separation. My ex and my best friend were in a relationship.

This blog isn’t about them, so I won’t go too deep into that chapter. I’ll just say this. They went on to start a family together and tried to take Kailyn to Chicago with them.

I didn’t allow that to happen, and because of that, there will never be a co-parenting relationship or friendship between my ex and me. Some lines, once crossed, don’t get redrawn.

The Weakest Time In My Life

After my breakup, divorce, the loss of my business, the loss of most of my friends, and a 16-month custody relocation trial, I hit rock bottom. I was drinking more than I should have, and I cherished every moment I had with Kailyn, but when she wasn’t with me, I wasn’t the best version of myself. I was unhealthy in every way: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Looking back, I can honestly say it was the saddest I’ve ever been in my life. It wasn’t that I didn’t have people around me. I did. But I didn’t feel safe being vulnerable. I didn’t know how to say, “I’m not okay,” so I just kept going through the motions and holding it all in.

I wrote an entire blog about this titled, “Alone in a Crowded Room”: https://kailynsdad.com/crowded-room/.

This was the weakest time in my life.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have terrible thoughts cross my mind. The kind of thoughts no one wants to admit out loud. Unthinkable ones.

Besides Kailyn, I remember feeling like I had nothing after the breakup. Worse than nothing. I felt like I had lost everything. Looking back, I can say without a doubt that Kailyn saved my life. She was my reason to keep going. My reason to get out of bed, to try again, to fight through the darkness.

If you’re feeling like this, please find your reason. It doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be yours. There is always something, no matter how small, to hold on to.

This world needs good people like you. And if no one has told you that today, I’m telling you now.

“Just be here. You don’t need to do anything today except just be here. Tomorrow you can be great, but today just be here.”

Baby Steps

I’ve told so many friends who are down on themselves or struggling with life that the first step in recovering is simply getting out of bed. It sounds easy, but anyone who’s been through something like I have knows it’s anything but simple.

Put one foot out of bed, then the other. Stand up. Move your body. That’s where it starts. From there, you begin to rebuild the life you want, one piece at a time.

People often think they need to make massive, sweeping changes in their lives to stage a comeback. But in my experience, it’s the small, consistent adjustments that make the biggest difference over time.

The truth is, those big dramatic changes usually don’t stick. I learned that the hard way. The grand gestures I made to try and save my marriage and to try and avoid breakup were unrealistic and unsustainable. The same goes for many major life overhauls. They sound impressive, but they’re rarely built to last.

What works are the smaller, intentional moves. The ones you think through. The ones you can actually maintain. When you stack those little changes, one after another, they become something powerful. Something lasting.

I know this is true because I’ve lived it. I’m still living it. And it works.

My favorite analogy for this is a cruise ship, also known as your life. If you make small adjustments to the ship’s course, even just a few degrees, it can lead to a completely different destination over time. The same goes for your life.

You don’t always need to make massive course corrections. In many cases, it’s the small, steady shifts that lead to the biggest changes. Minor adjustments, done with intention, can have a major impact on where you ultimately end up.

Existing

It’s funny. I was writing the next paragraph and typed, “Nearly a decade and a half later, I’ve gone from not wanting to exist, to the happiest I’ve ever been.” Then I stopped. I paused. And I really thought about what I had just written.

The truth is, I don’t think I ever didn’t want to exist. It was more that I didn’t think it mattered if I did. I didn’t believe anyone would notice if I wasn’t here. And that’s a very different feeling. It wasn’t about ending anything. It was about feeling invisible.

This past year, a few friends of mine died by suicide. I think about them almost every day. I think about the space they must have been in. A space I’ve known all too well. I wish I could go back and tell them how much they mattered. How much I needed them to just “be”. How their presence made the world a better, lighter place.

Breakup to Comeback

It wasn’t overnight, and it wasn’t easy, but I’m back! (Cue LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out“). Twelve years later, after a lot of introspection and a lot of hard work, I can confidently say I’m the best version of myself. I did it for me first. Then for Kailyn. And also for my family and friends.

But mostly, I did it for Kailyn and me. 🙂

My comeback isn’t complete, but it’s underway. It’s no longer about survival. It’s about being the best version of myself, for Kailyn and me after the breakup.

I think of it like a constant tune-up. I’ve done the work to get my mind and body to a place where I can thrive. Now, it’s about evolving, fine-tuning, and continuing to grow.

Not The Same

I don’t blame my ex-wife for still disliking me, or even hating me. Honestly, I’m not sure I liked the old version of me before my breakup either. The truth is, I’m not that person anymore. Thirteen years later, I’ve grown, evolved, and changed in ways she’ll never know because she doesn’t get access to the new me.

My next blog will be about how thankful I am that she chose to leave. That decision, as painful as it was at the time, shaped everything good in my life today. I’m who I am because of the choice she made for both of us, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I owe her thanks for the relationship I have with my daughter, for the friends who stuck by me, and for the stronger bonds I’ve built with my family. My life is truly better because of her absence.

Maybe that’s the litmus test. If you can imagine your future and see that it’s better without that person in it, then maybe you know the decision is right. The challenge is, when you’re lost in the fog of heartbreak, depression, or grief, it’s almost impossible to see that future clearly.

But once you get there, once you’re standing in it, it becomes clear as day.

Breaking Up With My Breakup

I’ve said before that I remember how sad I was, but not the full extent of it. I remember the feelings, the weight of them, but I’m so far from that place now, I don’t feel them the same way. And if you’re in the kind of space I was, I promise you won’t stay there. You’ll get here too.

Life right now is the best it’s been in as long as I can remember. I’ve talked about highs and lows, and I know another low will come eventually. But for now, I’m riding this high. And with a little luck, I’ll stay here for a while.

To everyone who stuck with this blog to the end, thank you. If you ever need someone to talk to, to listen, or to remind you how much you matter, I’m just a call, text, or email away.

And if you’re like I was, afraid to be vulnerable, don’t be. Speak up. Reach out. Let someone in.

My wish for you, now and going forward, is simple. Find yourself. Find your happiness. Live in it. Leave it all on the table. Live every day at 11 out of 10. Tell the people you love that you love them. Do the extra thing. Say the hard things. Be the best version of you.

Until next time . . .
Kailyn’s Dad

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