A Different Holiday Season

The holidays can be challenging for many people. I think it’s because they are such a prominent benchmark for so many things (love, friendships, family, etc.) compared to last year. I haven’t written in a LONG while, but as I was at home, listening to holiday music, preparing for my family to visit on Christmas Day, and wrapping MY OWN Christmas presents, I had some time to reflect and gather my thoughts about the holidays, and I thought I’d share them with you.

This Year

I have so many friends going through a VASTLY different holiday this year than in the past. The holidays are tough when you start one way and end in another. In some ways, the older I get, the more I want ‘stasis.’ I want things to stay the same. But the holiday season is a constant reminder of how things WERE and are now.

There are a few categories of friends (and myself included) I was thinking about when wrapping presents. If they have a chance to sit down and read this, it may bring a little comfort to them during a season where it’s essential to put on a smile for others, but inside, the feeling may not be matching.

This Holiday

It’s certainly a different holiday season for me this year. For some reason, with Thanksgiving so late, holiday parties galore, and my work schedule, Christmas just dropped on top of me quickly. Am I alone here? :).

Today I checked in with my mom to see how she was doing. I realized that I do a pretty good job of checking in on friends to see how they’re doing this season. I wanted to ensure they’re not alone or feel alone. But I often forget about those closest to me in my family, so I checked in on my mom. She said she was doing fine but asked how I was doing. That caught me off guard. I’m the patriarch of the family . . . nobody asks me that. Here’s my response:

So, as I get going on this blog, I know I’m good. I feel like I’ve had a big impact on others this holiday season. I’m ready to be done with 2024 and start 2025. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel other’s pain and that I’m not in the same boat, actually. I’ve just had some time (on planes, busses, car rides, and at home alone), to sort though some of my thoughts. And here they are! 🙂

Those Who Are Gone

The first group of friends I think of are the ones who have lost someone this year. I lost a few friends in 2024. To tell you the truth, it was one of the hardest in this respect in my adult life. I keep thinking of the memories I had with those people leading up to 2024. I have trouble reconciling the fact that they don’t exist anymore. This is really hard for me and is making me tear up as I write this.

All I can say about those of us who are feeling this pain during the holidays is that the lesson here is that life is precious. Every moment, every interaction, every hug, every message means something. And it could be your last. For me, it reminds me of the permanence of life and, at the same time, how fragile it really is.

BB Holiday Parties

If you’ve ever been to one of my parties, you know how over the top they are. I like to think they’re some of the best parties you’ll ever go to (however, I’m a bit biased here, LOL). But nobody ever asks me, “Ben, why do you spend the money and take the time to throw these HUGE parties for your friends and, oftentimes, people you don’t even really know?” Here’s my secret answer.

Everything I do in my life centers around creating moments and memories for me and, more importantly, others. When it’s all said and done, I want those I care about to have memories BECAUSE of me, not just of me. Perhaps that’s the “adoption syndrome” part of my personality. I so badly want people to have memories because of me. It’s core to my life. It’s why I do what I do as a dad, friend, and member of the Brownback family and it’s the fuel that keeps me going. So there . . . my secret is out. 🙂

But to circle back, I’m with those of you who are struggling with the absence of someone you love this year. Just know there’s an entire new year waiting for us all, and those we’ve lost would want us to be our best selves, miss the hell out of them, and move forward in their memory. That’s what I’m doing.

Life Changes

A LOT of my friends are in a different season of their life than they were a year ago. There are too many for me to count. Undoubtedly, the Christmas gathering will look and feel different this year than it did last year. Unfortunately, I can relate to this all to well. My last blog (https://kailynsdad.com/change/) talked about change. Holiday change is vastly different than this, but it might be worth a read!

They say that time heals everything, but I don’t think that’s true. I’ve been single now for 12 Christmases, and on nights like tonight, when my home is quiet and I prepare for a Christmas once Kailyn gets home, it still feels lonely. I still remember the days when we’d be preparing the house as a family and all seemed well.

Let The Past Be The Past

To begin with, I have to remind myself that that was then and this is now. If I continued to mourn a life that I HAD and not focus on building the life I WANT, then what was it all for? I try to take the “keep moving forward” mentality, even when down.

I used to think that a bit of bourbon and a pity party sounded nice, but there was just a point when I had to get back up on my two feet and start building the life I wanted. It didn’t come quickly, but that’s where I’m at now, and if you’re in the pity party stage, that’s all good. Just make it a goal to move forward in 2025 . . . whatever that means for you and your family. The past is a learning tool for the future. As long as you LEARN and move forward, its ok to pause and have a little pity party for yourself. Just don’t overstay your welcome at said party. 🙂

Single Parent Holiday

Here’s one topic I’m going to unpack a little more than the others because it’s the one that is “closest to home for me”. Initially, I was going to post a photo with a little note of encouragement for my single-parent friends this holiday season, but the post got so long that I realized I needed to write about it in a blog.

Tonight, I was wrapping my own gifts, thinking to myself, “Man, I really can’t wait till there’s a time when I don’t have to wrap my own gifts.”. Now, I know there are heads of households who do all of the work in a dual-parent family, so this isn’t aimed at you. When I’m in a dual-parent household and wrapping my own gifts, I’ll address that in another blog. LOL. But that’s not who I’m talking to now.

I have a few friends who I’m thinking of specifically who have gone through some really tough separations/divorces this year and my heart goes out to them, because I know what they’re going through, how they’re feeling this holiday, and unfortunately, what’s coming down the pipe. The holiday is going to be difficult in so many ways, and every one after will carry its own challenges. I thought I’d share some thoughts about different aspects of the holidays, from someone who’s been through it over the past 12 years.

The most important thing to remember is, you’ll get through it and you’ll create NEW memories and traditions for your kids that will become the new normal. Remember, your kids don’t know the difference. They just know what they know, and it’s up to you to set the stage and create this new normal.

Holiday Schedule

Splitting time with your ex during the holiday season is the most painful part for me. It’s the dichotomy of being completely alone, and then being completely inundated with family. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s something I needed to get used to. It helps me to think about the fact that it’s seamless for Kailyn. She doesn’t feel the loneliness, she just experiences the holidays from both sides of the family. That’s a relief. Growing up in a broken family, I’ve felt the other side of this, and that’s a relief because there was something I really liked about having 2 Christmases. +1 for the kids, -1 for the adults.

Going At It Alone

The second feeling that I get during the holidays is that, “I’m going at this alone”. This is partially true because now it’s up to you as the single-parent to create the experience for your kids. This is where my personal pity-party usually comes out. Poor Ben. Sitting home alone wrapping presents for himself. Boo-hoo. :). Truthfully, it is sad, but it’s not the worse thing. I try and put things into perspective, and remind myself how thankful I am to have the opportunity to plan and create the memories I’m going to create for Kailyn and the entire family. These are hand-crafted experiences, backed with so much love and joy. I know the same experiences are being created by you, and you should how how appreciated they’ll be by your kids. I know K loves the experiences I create.

Don’t Compare

It’s easy to compare the holidays to your own growing up, or harder yet, the ones you had when you weren’t single. But I have to remind myself that Kailyn doesn’t know any better. She knows how hard I work (more-so the older she gets), and she knows how special the holiday season is for her. That’s because of me. And your kids will know and feel the same because of you. Don’t compare this year to last year or any other year. Benchmark this year against the work you’re putting into the holidays, and you’ll never be disappointed. When you put in a 10 effort, your kids will experience a 10 effort. And if your ex does the same, they’ll get a 10 x 2 effort. But let’s just stay focused on your effort because it’s the only part of this equation you can be responsible for.

In regards to the lonely days leading up to your time with your kids . . . I try and stay busy. I recently visited Chicago and spent some time with those I care a lot about. We had drinks, laughed, exchanged gifts and it made the lonely days feel a lot less lonely. I’m thankful for them and all my friends who join me around the holidays. You’ll see me post a lot about giving people a place to go during the holidays if they’re alone. Maybe i’m not doing it for them, maybe it’s for me . . . maybe it’s for both of us!

My Favorite Memory

I remember when I was a kid, we couldn’t afford a Christmas tree. I’m willing to bet that that weighed heavily on my mom’s mind. on Christmas eve, we went to the lot hoping we could get a discount tree. I remember the smell, and I remember the lot. It was the far parking lot near the community pool. The lot was dark, and there were a few, left-over trees. When I say left-over, it reminds me of the tree from “Charlie Brown Christmas”. Let’s just say, it wasn’t in contention for “best looking tree of the year”.

The lot was empty, and nobody was working. I’m sure the left over trees were going to be disposed of. My mom left a little cash (probably less than $5) which was all she had in her wallet, and left them a note with our information on it, in case they wanted more. We took the tree and put it in our home. That tree was the centerpiece of our holiday celebration and was appreciated more than any other tree in that lot (I like to think).

That’s what I remember. My mother giving all she had to get us the most beautiful tree in the lot (in my eyes). This is what your kids will remember. Sometimes it’s not even the thing we want them to remember. They just remember. I remember.

Look Forward, Not Backward

One trick I try and use is NOT to compare this year to last year. Every year I try and make THIS YEAR the benchmark year that all future holidays will be based off of. Now, I know the irony in this . . . create a memory this year so that next year you can look back at it as a benchmark, all the while telling you not to look backwards. I get it. But I think you know what I’m saying.

A lot can happen in a year. If you look at how much has changed for you (maybe not in a good way) in the past year, just know that an equal amount of happiness, joy and hope can happen in the next 12 months. Sometimes it takes longer than 12 months, but just know that a lot can happen in the span of a year. Keep your mind open, your heart available and the possibilities are endless. Literally.

Last Christmas (Let This Song Now Play In Your Head)

Last year I was in a vastly different headspace. This year I find myself thankful, full of hope for 2025 and excited for my Kailyn to arrive on Christmas day. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good leading up to Christmas, and I’ll tell you a little secret. There’s NOTHING anyone did this year to make me feel better. There’s a lot people did, but that’s not what made me feel better this year. All of the work I’ve done on myself this past year is what’s led to this. I think this is an important fact. If you’re looking for circumstances to change to make you “whole”, you’ll be waiting a long time (12 years in my instance). But when you do the work, fix yourself and what’s going on on your life, that’s then the transformative change happens.

There’s so little in life that you can control, but your emotions and who you are for your kids, family and friends, are something you have complete control over. I know it’s not as simple as I’m writing, but I’ll tell you it’s possible.

Happy Holidays

Whatever your circumstances are this year, I hope you know that you’re VERY LOVED, and even more important, I hope you feel that this season. If you’re feeling alone, please know you are not. We’re all connected in some strange way, through the internet, in person, from near, and from afar. If you need a holiday pick me up, I’m just an email, phone call, message or visit away.

And if that’s not enough, here’s a link to Christmas Animals on Shutter-stock: https://stock.adobe.com/search?k=%22christmas+animal%22. 🙂

Happy Holidays to you all, and I continue to wish that our paths cross somewhere in the world, sometime in 2025.

Your Friend,
Kailyn’s Dad

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