My Time
There have been many times in my life when I asked myself the question, “When will it be my time?” Most of the time, the answer has been “just be patient”. And I am (kind of 😂). I’ve had several moments looking back that have been “my time”, and they were great. I felt great. But there have been other times when things just didn’t feel great. I think I’ve been somewhere in-between those times lately.
I started writing this blog back in February, but never finished it. Recently, I’ve been in a writing mood and talked to several of my friends who have been feeling similar to me in their lives. And after previewing the title on Insta, I got several messages about my friend’s interest in this topic.
So I picked back up where I left off and here we go . . .
To Begin With
It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything. Over a year actually. I am keeping to my promise that if I don’t have anything to say, I’ll just keep quiet until I do! This particular post comes from a place of sadness. It’s a place that I haven’t really felt in a decade or so. I don’t really like this feeling and it’s apparently obvious to me that this feeling is exactly the reason why I’ve run from relationships in the past . . . It just doesn’t feel good. But my therapist says it’s important to “feel” this and ”live in it”, as part of a healthy grieving process. So here I am, doing just that.
What I can tell you is that as horrible as I’ve been feeling, my past actions of trying to protect myself/run from the possibility of sadness, were SO wrong. I’ve learned that running towards the fear is totally worth it. But more on that later down this blog.
Glass Half Full
I’ve always considered myself a “glass half full” type of guy. Honestly, that’s what got me through some of the hardest parts of my life. I’ve never been one to dwell on the bad. I’ve always focused on the good. I think looking back, I almost thrived on the bad. It’s fueled my drive to be better. It’s been this way in all aspects of my life. At work, it’s allowed me to survive a HORRIBLE dissolution of my first company and to create a successful second one. In my personal life, it’s driven me to focus on being more to fewer, and less to many (which sounds weird, but is actually good). And in my relationships, it’s forced me to look at what is truly important to me, thrive on the positives, and learn from my failings (and I have many).
I like to think that when I encounter people who are glass half empty people, I can maybe make them rethink their position. I try to always have a positive outlook on life and a situation. I’m not gonna lie and say that this hasn’t a been a detriment in times, but for the most part I’m happy with the decision to try to look at the good in every situation. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to “find my way back to happiness“. It’s not easy, but if you keep a positive attitude, there’s always a way back . . .
Hurt
Having this outlook on life definitely comes with some pain. I think the most painful parts of my life have been betrayal. And that’s not easy to get past. To be clear, thats not whats going on in my life now, but i remember it vividly being so painful. This betrayal can come from friend, lovers or loved ones it all hurts the same. But thats for a different blog.
Hurt comes in so many forms. It can come from physical pain but more likely than that, it comes from emotional. Physical pain you can heal from most of the time. But emotional pain sticks with you and “can” become the basis of who you will become and who you are. “Can” being the operative word in that last sentence. The hardest part of overcoming emotional pain is not letting it change you. The REAL you. I actually don’t think it’s possible to experience emotional pain and come out of it the same person. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. This is called growth.
I also want to emphasize that hurt is not the same as sadness. They are two different emotions. Hurt comes with sadness often, but sadness is its own stand alone feeling. And alone you’ll definitely feel. But realizing you’re not alone or that you don’t have to do it alone is important. It’s why you’ve built your inner circle . . . for times just like this.
We Are, Who We Are
There’s a certain part of emotional programming that comes with us from growing up. I feel like it’s a combination of influences from family, friends, and others as we develop as young children. That’s one of the reasons why the formative years with Kailyn are so important to me. I’m setting the standard, or the baseline for her, for years to come. I am modeling behavior that will set the stage for her emotional intelligence for the rest of her life. Coming to understand that was such an influential point in my parenting life. Parenting became much more than feeding her and keeping her safe, it was also about making sure I’m setting the foundation for a good human being.
But as the title of this paragraph says, we are who we are. There’s some things that just aren’t easily changeable in us, especially as we get older. We become set in our ways and stubborn. Something I say all the time as a joke is that “I’m an adult, that’s why I do what I do.” Like when someone tells me to try something new. “I don’t have to. I’m an adult”. Or someone tells me to change some thing but I do. “I’m an adult. I don’t have to”. At some point in our lives we are who we are.
BUT lately I’ve learned that even though “I am who I am”, there’s a version of me that I want to be. So maybe I should amend this and say, “I’m trying to be, who I want/need to be”.
Time for Change
That being said, do I believe it’s possible to change? Absolutely. Innately we may be who we are, but I believe it’s how we change throughout our existence is what makes us human. Can we be something we’re not innately programmed to be? I sure hope so. If not, we’re just a product of our environment. And I don’t think that’s who we are. That’s not how we evolve, and that’s not how we become better people. I refuse to believe we’re the sum of the beliefs and standards our parents and friends have instilled in us. Of course, they’ll always be PART of us, but it’s not the sum of who we are.
The reason I bring this up, is because despite what I say about being an adult and not having to do anything I don’t want to do, I do want to become a better person and evolve. Every day I want to become a better boss, father, friend, boyfriend, and most importantly human being.
“I need to remind myself I’m not the sum of my past experiences. Instead, I will be the result of my future choices”.
I like that a lot better. It means that all of the things that have happened to me in the past, and the decisions I’ve made got me to where I am now. But it’s how I live my life based on those decisions that will make me who I am. This allows me to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made as long as I’ve learned from them. Those mistakes don’t define me, in fact it’s the sum of them make me a better man.
My Time For Happiness
There are so many categories of my life that contribute towards my happiness. When I lost my first business, I found that a lot of my identity was tied to how good of an entrepreneur I was. And how good of an entrepreneur I was was tied to a lot of metrics that turned out didn’t make a difference. That’s probably a topic for another blog.
Happiness as a Dad
One category that is very closely tied to my happiness, is my relationship with Kailyn. I’m most happy when she’s around. She and I are connected in a way I didn’t realize to human beings could be. She is my other half and I am hers. But I’m also aware of the fact that I have 5 to 6 precious years left until she’s out of the house. And at that point my life will change drastically. So much of who I am, is a father. My time for happiness is right now in regards to being a father.
Happiness as a Boss
When it comes to work, I happiness is tied to the “vibe” of my company. It used to be how much money we were making or how much debt we had. Those things controlled my happiness. But this time around with my second company, my metrics are much different. I want to foster a culture where my staff feels appreciated and cared about. I realize the corporations take on the personalities of their leaders, and I want my staff to take on the personality traits I feel in my heart. Respect. Hard work. Family. In my work life my time for happiness is also right now. A lot of that has to do with my friend and self-proclaimed “work wife”. She’s an incredible mom, wife, friend, boss and partner. She makes my work happiness possible. Thank you, Hannah.
Happiness as a Friend/Boyfriend
This leads me to my personal life. My personal life I divide into two parts; friendships and romantic relationships. I can honestly say I have assembled a pretty fantastic group of friends. I alluded to how important this is/has been for me above. The relationships with these people are some of the strongest relationships I’ve ever had with other people, and it took a divorce and some reevaluating of my life and friend priorities to get here. In this respect, the time for happiness with my friends is also right now. My personal love life is another story. But hey, 3 out of 4 isn’t bad, right?
My BIGGEST problem to date, is that in the past I’ve had trouble accepting love. I suppose I have never felt worthy of it, sometimes I still don’t. I think I spread a lot of love to those around me, but I’ve never been good at accepting. That would get tiring for someone trying to love me. I get that, got that, and am trying to learn.
I promise you this . . . if you’re like me and don’t feel worthy of being loved, you will have trouble being loved. I’m living proof. It’s no complicated formula. If you can’t accept it, eventually you’ll stop receiving it. Work on that, and you’ll be a changed human. Read this over, and over again, ”You deserve to be loved”. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way recently.
I’ve said to people I care about, “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Because you’re amazing.” I promise you it’s easier to say and believe that sentence, than it is to accept and believe it applies to you. Start believing that you might be as wonderful as someone else thinks, and that you are worthy of being loved, and I think that’s where the metamorphosis begins.
One thing I ask myself (and if you’re in my same boat you should ask yourself too):
If someone you care about holds you in such high regard and thinks so highly if you, isn’t it possible that its true?
And if it’s true, shouldn’t you be humble enough to accept this praise and love?
And if you can accept this praise and love, maybe you can start to truly believe it?
* Hint: the answer is yes to all of the above. 🙂
Love & Loss
The phrase “you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it”, is so true. So painfully true. If you realize you’ve screwed up, fight to get it back. Whether you’re successful or not, doesn’t matter. Fighting for something you love is always worth it. This applies in all aspects of your life.
I’ve loved 2 people in my life. I have loved and lost the first one, and it’s entirely possible, it’ll happen again. It doesn’t seem to get any easier this time around. It’s the one piece of the puzzle that I haven’t yet been able to solve in my life. And I’m not willing to settle. That’s part of my problem. With 7 billion people on earth, how are you supposed to find your soulmate? Or if you believe you have several soulmates, how do you connect with one of them? And most importantly, once you find yours, how do you keep them? $1,000,000 question if anyone has the answer. 🙂
I don’t think I’m the only one who’s asked this question. But I ask it a lot of myself lately. I’m around so many successful relationships, it’s hard not to be a little jealous. Some people’s lives just seem easier and things just seem to click for them. So I ask again, “When will it be my time”?
I have to believe when it comes to love, some people never get their time while others get their time and lose it. I just hope I’m still young enough when it becomes mine.
Till Next Time
I know I just briefly touched on what’s going on in my life (and have been blatantly vague) to cause me to ask all of these questions and try to better myself, and I’ll DEFINITELY write about that coming up soon. It consumes the majority of my thoughts and my dreams, so I can assure you that I’ll write about it. But until then, let me leave you with this one last thought . . .
Are you trying to achieve equilibrium or are you trying to achieve happiness? I’m not sure both are achievable. I’ve come to believe, that happiness and sadness are opposites, yet so closely related. You have to live with the possibility for sadness in order to achieve happiness. Equilibrium on the other hand, is trying to control life so that you achieve some type of stasis. I’m not sure if love or happiness truly lives in this stasis. That’s where mediocrity and complacency live.
I want love and all of the passion that comes with it. I want to believe that anything as powerful and that feels so good as true love, requires risk and potential sadness. That’s part of what makes it so incredible when you are the recipient of it. I’ve lived my live for the past decade looking for stasis. Not anymore. It’s been a hard lesson learned, but I’ll choose the potential heartache of love lost if there’s a chance for happiness and the feeling of being loved. I’ll choose this over stasis and mediocrity, any day. And every day.
Against The Odds
So what if I go 0 for 2? Not great stats (0% love success for you mathematicians). I‘ll risk it and put it all out there. #2 is pretty special to me, so if she’s reading this, I hope she knows I haven’t given up. I’m going to take a pause, regroup, and then figure out how to jump blindly and foolishly again. I’ve learned from these past months and am taking those learnings to try and be a better friend, partner, boyfriend and so much more. I’ll risk failure with you over and over again, because I got a glimpse of what the reward could be, and it’s so, so worth it to me.
Stay tuned everyone . . . Maybe this is MY time? 🙂
Ben
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