Since my separation, I’ve been chasing happiness and can’t seem to find it. There’s just something missing and I can’t put my finger on it. This blog will probably leave you with more questions than answers, but I thought I’d pick apart my present journey to find happiness.
It’s hard to say when you’ve achieved happiness, but it’s not difficult to tell when you haven’t. In fact, there are times when I THOUGHT I was happy, but looking back, I wasn’t. On the flip-side, there hasn’t been a time I thought I was sad, and it turned out I was happy. Funny how that goes.
I don’t want you to read this blog and think that I’m not grateful for what I’ve got. I’ve got a great life filled with love, family and security. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t yearn for more . . . Or that there’s not some happiness that I’d like to achieve. I feel like there’s still a couple pieces to my puzzle that are missing.
I’d like to think that gratefulness isn’t the opposite of hope-fullness. I think you can be grateful for what you have AND hopefully for what could be.
For the purposes of this blog, I want to focus on the hope-fullness I feel towards the future. Please know though, that I’m extremely grateful for just being alive, in addition to a great many other things.
On of my favorite blogs I’ve ever written was titled “Broken”. It talks a lot about how broken of a person I’ve been for the past 8 years of my life since my separation. I’d never want my ex-wife to know how broken of a man I’ve been, but if she reads this, I guess the cat’s out of the bag.
It’s been 8 years since we separated, and I still am not whole. I guess that’s not great news for any of you reading this hoping that you’ll recover quickly. That’s not to say you won’t, but it just wasn’t my path.
In fact, I have some friends who were married when I got separated, got remarried and have had some kids. Some of those friends are in great relationships and are truly happy (or so they appear). But that wasn’t my path.
I personally believe that I need to fix myself so that when I do meet someone, I’ll bring a complete person to the table. That’s not to say I’m damaged goods, but I like to think of myself as more of a “refurbished item with a full warranty”. 🙂
A lot of my blogs are inspired by life’s event. In fact, all of them are. This past week while Kailyn was with her mom, I was hit with a bout of mild depression. I’m not sure what caused it, but It was there, and it was apparent to anyone who was around me.
Whenever Kailyn goes to her mom’s for her timeshare, I always feel so alone. My home feels empty and so does my heart. This particular time, I started to realize that this was going to be my destiny. It was going to be an empty future for me if I didn’t start looking for companionship.
I want you all to know that I’m ok being single. I’ve had several chances NOT do be single, and I’ve passed them up. I don’t think I need another person to complete me, but I also realized that maybe I do need someone to spend my time with. But maybe not. You can tell I’m confused here.
I just know I don’t like being alone and I think that’s a pretty common feeling.
“Happiness is not a destination, it’s a state of being.”Braving The Hot Mess
I truly believe this quote. Happiness isn’t something that I’m going to buy. It isn’t something that I’m going to acquire. It’s got to be something that I do for myself.
This is a tough pill to swallow. Trust me, I’ve tried to find happiness everywhere. Girls, nightclubs, drinking, etc. Nothing fills the void. And I think that’s because the void isn’t physical, it’s mental. I was searching for something to make me “feel” whole, when what I really need is to find myself.
When they say, “True Happiness Lies Within”, I think they’re right . . . Whoever “they” are. You’ve got to fix yourself before you find happiness.
A Life In Disrepair
For me, I was pretty messed up for a long time.
I’m still kind of messed up, but I’m cognizant of that at least.
I know that before I can make any sort of connection with someone I could love again, I need to fix my own life. How can I expect to be loved if I can’t love myself?
One day at time, I have been working on finding myself. That’s 8 years of hard work that’s gone into where I am today. And I’m much better today than I was yesterday, a week ago, or 8 years ago. But that’s not to say I don’t have a LOT of work to still do.
This doesn’t mean I’m not looking for happiness or a partner. It just means that I know that I have work to do on myself before I make a true connection. I’m but a shell of my former self and that’s not a bad thing.
I saw a meme that said, “So many people from your past know a version of you that doesn’t exist anymore”. So true.
I believe that we’re all connected in some way, shape, or form. The first thing I did was to reevaluate my connections; my friends and my relationships. I had to walk away from some, and I had to focus on building/rebuilding others.
These connections help me build a foundation to grow off of. If your connections/relationships are built on shaky ground, anything you build off them will be unstable.
I know that we’ll all have connections that aren’t healthy in our lives. That’s a given. But we need to have MORE connections that nurture our growth and potential. I look at it as the sum total of our connections. My goal in life is to have a sum positive amount of connections to build my life off of. That’s a good place to start.
When I say sum positive, I want to be clear that I don’t mean an volume. I’m not saying that you should have 6 good friends if you have 5 shitty ones. :). Everyone carries with them an emotional currency. That’s what I’m talking about. There may be ONE really negative person that overshadows 10 of the friends you need to have around you. This is the positive balance you need to try and achieve. At least, this is what I’ve tried to do. I’ve got some good people around me now and my life is better for it.
It’s hard to walk away from things that aren’t good for me. Especially if they’ve been in my life for a long time. I think this is the hardest lesson i’ve had to learn over these past 8 years. Toxic relationships lead to toxic situations, and that’s no good for anyone.
My thoughts are that there’s only ONE of me. There’s a finite amount of energy and time I have in my life. I have to preserve this for people worthy of it. That almost sounds arrogant, but even though we live in a connected world, we have to protect ourselves from those who’s priorities aren’t aligned with our own.
I’ve written about it before. This is my “mantra”, if you will . . .
“Be MORE to LESS, and LESS to MORE.”Ben Brownback
I’ll take credit for that quote. I think I made it up. 🙂
This is another topic I tackled in my blog “Alone In A Crowded Room”. I bring it up again, because it’s a reoccurring theme in my life. The other night I experienced it actually.
My feelings on loneliness change whether I have Kailyn or not. Right now she’s with her mom, so I feel so alone. I have friends to be around, family to talk to, and work to keep my preoccupied, but I’m still lonely. It’s a feeling I’m extremely uncomfortable with. It has a stigma of “needing someone else”, so therefore it’s something I try and shun. But deep down, I’m lonely.
My friend Orin (who’s married) asked me today why I don’t enjoy my alone time more. And I responded that I do. It’s just that when you’re done being alone and you’re married, you have a companion. When you’re single, you’re just alone. I’d like someone to share my day with, both the good and the bad. I’d also like someone to say good night to, and then again good morning. It’s a part of being in a relationship that I took for granted, and I miss it.
Part of what makes me sad is that I realize that unless I make a change, this is how my life is going to be after Kailyn leaves. I’ll be in this big house, by myself, surrounded by friends, and all alone.
Kick The Cycle
I’m not sure how to get myself out of the cycle. Unfortunately this blog isn’t going to give you a road map to being “complete”. If and when I figure out that puzzle, I’ll be sure to share it, but for now . . . Just know you’re not alone.
I feel miles from happiness right now, but I know it’s attainable. I know it is because I see others who have it. They’ve figured it out! And if they have, then I know I can too. I just have to kick the cycle.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
I’ve got to do something different. Something bold, and something new.
It’s pretty obvious that I’m in a bit of a funk right now. I have more questions than answers on the topic of happiness. I just know that right now I’m not happy, I’m sad. Not depression sad, but “how am I going to right my life” sad. “What’s the right path?” “How do I get back the right track?” “Will I ever find someone who share my life with?”
In exactly 2 nights, I’ll be out of my funk because Kailyn will be home. But when she goes back with her mom, I’ll end up here again. I CAN NOT let her be the thing that controls my “funk”. It’s not fair to her and it’s ultimately not fair to me either. I can’t put this on her. I won’t let it happen.
Happiness & Love
Will I ever love again? That’s a great question. I want to say yes, but honestly I don’t know. I have a lot of love to give. I’m just not sure I’ll ever be brave enough to use it.
A friend once asked me what I wanted. A relationship? A Marriage? I can’t answer that question because it would depend on the other person. For the time being, I’d just like someone to connect with. Someone to share my day with. Someone to share my life with. I think that’s a good start and we can work from there.
I’ve said that I won’t let past relationships ruin future relationships and I’m trying hard to live by that. I don’t want to distrust someone who doesn’t deserve it, because I’m hanging onto my past. This is part of the “rebuilding” of myself I suppose. If I ever expect to love again, I damn well better let go of the pain and fear that currently accompany the thought of love. Working on this . . . I’ll get back to you on the subject.
The Next Chapter
I don’t know what the next chapter will bring. That’s both scary and exciting I suppose. I do know that I haven’t quit yet. I hope that I don’t ever. There’s someone out there who’s perfect for me . . . I know it. And if you’re in the same boat as me, I believe the same is true for you.
I believe there are tons of soulmates for each person. It’s all about timing. Did you meet your soulmate before and it just wasn’t the right time? Possibly. Don’t give up. I won’t and you shouldn’t either.
Our greatest gift is “free will” and we should all use that to try and better ourselves.
Share With Me
I close all my blogs with the offer to connect with me. I’ve heard from some of you, but I’d REALLY appreciate it if you left a comment below. And if it’s too personal, please send me a message. I’d really like to hear from you and how you’re doing on your “Road to Happiness”
I’d like to apologize for this blog as it may have raised more questions than give you answers. Or worse, it could have revealed something you didn’t want to know about yourself that you know now.
Anyhow, I better wrap this up before I go too far. Sleep well tonight and get up tomorrow and start building.
Thanks for reading,
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