Time is a funny thing. It’s that constant, that keeps moving forward no matter how much you want to speed it up, slow it down or make it stop all together. Time affects so many aspects of my life; work, social, personal. I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on this 4th dimension that I struggle to control.
Too much Time
There are some aspects of time that I have too much of. When Kailyn is with her mom, time seems to move more slowly. In my adult life, I can’t remember the last time I was “bored”. I can always find things to keep myself occupied. These are just distractions though, and no matter what I do to fill the emptiness of being alone, time seems to move slowly.
No matter what I do, I can’t seem to fill the void that’s left when Kailyn isn’t home. I tell her, “This house is just house when you’re gone. But when you’re back, this house is finally a home”.
That couldn’t be more true. My house is an empty, lonely place when she’s gone, and I have a suspicion that many of you out there feel the same way. I’m not here to tell you it’s ok, or to provide you with a solution to speed up time or fill the emptiness you feel. But I’ll tell you that too much time can be a dangerous thing.
Too much time can lead to addition, depression, and overall sadness. You don’t need a doctorate in psychology to know that these are scary words and even more scary feelings.
In my personal life, I fill the empty time with work, social activities and travel. I know it’s just a band-aid, but it works. If I can keep my mind active and occupied, I survive. It’s when I give my mind too much time and space to wander, that things get difficult. My suggestion is to just stay active.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any magic advice to give here. During these breaks, I try and keep myself occupied. I found a hobby. I play piano.
If you’re looking for someone new to follow on Spotify, you could be my next follower. I’m hoping to make enough money off of Spotify to retire and live on a beach. Right now I’m making about $2.50/month so I’ve got a long way to go! Hahahahaha
Mostly, I try and preoccupy myself with things that make me feel good about myself. Most recently, I’ve been writing these blogs which really help me focus and organize my thoughts. As always, if you’re reading this, thank you for allowing me to share my life with you.
My only advice would be to find someone to talk to. The time when Kailyn’s not with me is a very lonely time. I’ve surrounded myself with good people who enrich my life. This has been the key to surviving the empty weeks alone.
If you’ve ever spent time with me, you’ll know that I’m always trying to get people together for meals. It’s my favorite time for a few reasons.
- It’s rewarding because of how good it tastes. There’s very few things better to me than a great tasting meal. It can be at a friend’s house (my friend Chrystal is such a great cook so I eat there often), a fancy restaurant (I do love my steakhouses), or even just a quick place with the right people.
- Meal time = community. There’s nothing better to me, than to sit around a table with some wine, good food, and look around the table at my friends and loved ones. There’s something about the community of meals that I really enjoy. The fact that it tastes good is bonus, but the time spent with those I care about is at the core of why I love meals.
Story Time . . .
During the saddest times in my life, I was able to survive because of the community I had surrounded myself with. Let me share a short story:
When I had first split from my ex, I didn’t know where to go or what to do when I was alone. I’m not a good alone person, so I was pretty lost. I had met a guy named JT who became a close friend and staple in my recovery. He worked for a company that used to be called Light Group. I’d meet him for dinners and then go out when I didn’t have Kailyn.
He introduced me to one of my favorite restaurant named Fix at Bellagio. I recommend it if you’re looking for somewhere to eat. At first it was easy to get people to join me because they felt sorry for me, but eventually people didn’t want to spend $70-80/meal to keep me company. I ended up befriending one of the managers there, Sarah. We became friends and she often joined me for meals.
It seems silly, but that human contact from two unlikely friends, is what filled the time for me. I guess the point of my story is that you never know who’s going to step up and be there for you when you need it most. It’s probably someone you least suspect. But my advice to you is to LET THEM IN. You won’t want to because you’re hurting, but if you let them in, you’ll meet people who will literally . . . Save Your Life.
Not Enough Time
We’ve all said the phrase “they grow up so quickly”. Before I was a parent, I would hear this and roll my eyes. But it’s not until you have a child that you realize that this phrase couldn’t be more true. Time moves so quickly as you raise a child.
As someone who thrives on empirical data, someone once tried to mathematically explain the phenomena of time as you get older to me.
When you’re 10 years old, 1 year = 10% of your life.
When you’re 40 years old, 1 year = 2.5% of your life.
When you’re 70 years old, 1 year = 1.42% of your life.
This explains why when you’re 10 years old, a year seems like ETERNITY . . . or 10% of your life. But when you get older, a year represents a very short period in your life . . . and keeps getting shorter. This is why you feel as if time goes by more quickly as you get older.
As a father, I never seem to have enough time to say and do everything I want to do for Kailyn. I’m pretty proud of the things I do manage to do for her, but it never seems like enough. The years keep on whizzing by and there’s nothing I can do to slow them down. It’s the saddest reality of being a parent. Today is the only day like today that I’m going to have with Kailyn.
Do It Today
The previous topic of today being the only today I’ve got, leads me to my next topic and that’s “Do It Today”.
There’s that phrase that goes something like, “Never put off something till tomorrow, that you can do today” . . . or something like that. Honestly, I haven’t looked it up so if that’s not a real quote, then I just made it up. It sounds good so I’m going to stick with it.
I try and live my life as a father by this rule. Never go to bed angry. Always tell Kailyn how much I love her. I’ll never be too embarrassed to call her an extra time to tell her I love her, and I’ll never hesitate to go back into her room for an extra kiss.
Today is the only day it’ll be TODAY. If I can’t slow down time, then I’m sure as hell going to make the best of this speeding train in my life. That’s for sure.
As a parent, there are days when I wish I could stop time. Perfect days that I could live over and over like the movie Groundhog Day. I love Bill Murray.
One of the days I wish I could live over and over again was the day Kailyn and I went to Disney World for her 2016 Spring Break. Sure, Disney World in itself is a cool fun place, but this was a special day for me.
On this particular Day, Kailyn and I decided that we were going to use the “Princess Tracker” to track down and get photos with EVERY Disney princess in the park. And We did.
She and I spent the entire day going from park to park (and if you’ve ever visited Disney World, you know this is no small task), to get a photo with EVERY. SINGLE. DISNEY. PRINCESS.
I was so tired, but at the end of the day my friend Andrew set us up with some sweet seats to view the show at Epicot. Kailyn hadn’t eaten dinner and I didn’t realize that the food places had all shut down. So after our day, we went back to the hotel at 11pm, and ordered room service.
Kailyn and I ate breakfast/dinner at 11:30pm in our hotel room after a day of hunting down princesses. It was perfect. I could have stopped time at that moment and been the happiest person on earth. This was the favorite day of my life.
It’s easy to go back in my memory and remember the good days, like the one I just talked about. Hindsight IS 20/20. The key for me, and something I try and focus more on, is identifying these days closer to the day they’re happening.
So many times in life, I move on quickly to the next task, day, or event. It turns out the day I want to stop time for, is the day I’ve moved so quickly on from. That doesn’t make sense and I try to focus on being more present and taking in the days I will, and do cherish the most.
I haven’t got it down perfect yet, and some days take perspective to realize how perfect they are. But that Disney World day will be one of my favorite days of my life till the day I die.
Time is finite and no matter what we do, we can’t stop the inevitable. It’s depressing to me to think about, but my time on this earth will one day end. Hopefully not for a LONG, LONG time, but it’ll end. And God willing, it’ll end decades before Kailyn’s.
Thinking about her having to watch me pass isn’t something I’m going to write about, because it’s going to upset me before I go to bed in an hour or so.
But, I do live my life in a way that I want to put as many positive memories, saying, and experiences in her mind. I’m cognizant of the fact that my time with her will be limited, so I want to make the best of the days, months, or years I have left.
Remember from my previous blogs, “I’m a glass half-full” type of guy. I look at this finite amount of time I have as a motivator to be the best dad, friend, son, and brother I can be EVERY DAY. I take this very seriously, but I didn’t always have such a positive outlook on life. It took years of rebuilding . . . and I still have years more work to go . . .
Time Is Up
Well, I think my time is up here for this blog. I appreciate that you spent the time reading my thought and joining in my community on this site. The good thing is that even though you don’t know how much time you have left . . . there’s always the chance you’ll have enough time to do what you want/need to do. I need to remind myself of that daily. Instead of counting down the days, I count up the days. Remember, glass half full? 🙂
Oh yeah, and take the time to tell those you love, how much you love and care about them. There’s always time for that. 🙂
If you’d like to connect with me or have a topic you’d like to hear about, shoot me a message or connect with me @KailynsDadBlog on Facebook or Instagram.